the ten proposals
(this is in continuation to `Budging from a dull Budget')

First - introduce a new Tax for film producers. Termed as the Location Tax, it is to be paid whenever they move out to foreign locations to shoot half of a reel of utter nonsense. This Tax should be 10% of first week's gross earnings. Normally, films nowadays do not have any earning potential after the first week. This Tax will be waived if the Location is in India.

Second - introduce one more tax, the Music Tax for loud blaring music. Make it mandatory that the music is to be produced with not more than four instruments. 10% of gross earnings should be charged as tax in case the decibel level cross the threshold of decency. Also, advance release of music cassettes/videos of forthcoming films must be covered under this category.

Third - introduce a Clothing Tax on the apparel of dancers and artistes. If the exposed portion of the body is less than 30%, this Tax becomes chargeable. The amount payable as tax will depend upon the number of performers and the number of seconds' duration.

Fourth - let us have a taxation system for all shopkeepers and vendors in the markets who are allotted stalls. Let the local municipal authorities or the borough in-charges or the sarpanches collect a fixed rate of two rupees or five rupees per day. Little drops of water, little grains of sand ......

Fifth - tax all Nursing Homes based on the number of beds and cabins it has. Collection of this tax also should come under the purview of the local administration. Here also, a fixed amount should be paid in line with what is outlined above. Records in a particular nursing home would be available with the authorities because the approval for start of such services has to be given by them. So - assessment of what is payable can be worked out quite unambiguously.

Sixth - tax all coaching and tutorial classes. It is not difficult to find out the number of students who come to each coaching class. A flat rate of five rupees per student per subject per day can be easily thought of for introduction.

Seventh - introduce an Offspring Tax for those with more than two children. 5% of assessed income to be paid as tax per child beyond two. The assessment of income is to be done separately by a group of ten neighbors who should forward their findings to an independent body in a sealed envelope via registered post.

Eighth - yet another Tax that can be considered for introduction. A Tax on food. This Food Tax will be applicable if a family relies on eating out on a regular basis. How can one keep a tab on this? Simple - this is to be vouched for by the maid who comes in to do the dishes. She will be empowered to maintain a roster of how many days in a month she discovers that there are no dishes to clean.

Ninth - instead of publishing an exception list once in a while of high profile characters tax evaders; let us have a newspaper Supplement - once a year - on the tax actually paid by all these persons. They can be grouped into - screen/TV personalities, sportspersons, politicians, businessmen, industrialists, administrative group including the police. This will be more meaningful to the commoner. A glance at such information will help them form an idea of the credibility of these persons and how honest they are. I am doubtful if there will be any sponsors for such noble activities - it has, therefore, to be charged to overheads by the newspapers.

Tenth - abolish Income Tax consultants. They do more harm than good. They keep their pockets well lined, they maintain their lifestyles fully oiled but they never declare their incomes and deprive the Government from its dues by advising assesses on how to escape from the IT net. The authorities lose out on both the counts!

Since I have already earned the reputation of posting `too lengthy blogs', I leave it to fellow bloggers to add to the list.

budging from a dull budget
Dear Finance Minister,

Come February and all of us wait with bated breath and fingers crossed waiting for you to declare how healthy our economy is. All our discussions center on the Annual Budget and your worries. Yes - we are fully aware of your compulsions. You cannot displease this lobby, you cannot tax that group, you have to agree to provide subsidies to the third group. It is a bed of thorns for you. We share your worries and pray to each and every God to bestow upon you the kindness to make the life of the common man smooth, whatever that may mean. Smooth as an egg shell is never within your grasp - what we eventually get, year after year, is a road as smooth as our National highways.

Governance means matching the pluses and the minuses to strike a balance. Good governance means achieving the objective without disturbing the already taut limits of acceptability of the common man. The proposals that I am about to outline are expected to generate adequate revenue for the exchequer and relieve the burden of taxation on the common man. Those who have the ability to pay should be made to pay. The authorities should explore avenues of tapping dormant resources.

Already the electronic media has zeroed in on this favorite subject. Experts have started doing their homework so that they may grace the TV screens as enlightened souls, ready with all answers.
Therefore, as an ordinary law abiding citizen who pays his Taxes dutifully and who has a PAN to his credit, I would like to forward a few suggestions to the Finance Ministry, hoping that these will, in due course of time, find their way into the chambers of the FM and not the WPB.

The ten proposals will be revealed tomorrow ....... I feel that is a more auspicious day. In our country we believe in such things, I am no exception.

of accidents and limericks
It was not a fire but an accident
Said the Minister to the Parliament
We have searched all places
But could find no traces
Of any sinister involvement.

`Politics doesn't mix with chop sticks',
Said the pack of chips to the masala mix.
`Let us rule the roost
With toffee and boost
The morals of the one and only Sphinx.'

When aloo vanishes, Kaloo wrings his arms
`How can I now relish my gulab jaams?
A heavy dose of mashed potatoes
If processed can soon decompose
Into good manure that can go to my farms.'

The clown one day refused to budge
It seems his horse had kicked the judge
So the ring master swore -
`You're no better than a bore
Who hasn't yet learnt how to fudge.'

There was this young girl of the Doon
Who wanted to sing on the Moon
So she hired a sleek cab
And flew to the space Lab
To prove that she could also croon.

They met in the foyer and ran to the square
He held her hand tight and she asked - `where?'
`To the bus stand fast,
Its already half past -
We must be there in time for the choir.'

budget horrorscope 2005-2006
With the lengthening shadows of the Annual budget fast approaching I thought of having a go at creating a horror-scope for what the new financial year will have in store for us. With due apologies to Bejan Daruwalla from whom I have identified the Zodiac sign cross linked with the date ranges, here goes -

Aries (March 20 - April 19) - those born in this period of the year normally lead a healthy life. It is springtime and spring is one of the best seasons. Winter has gone and summer has yet to make an entry. With the end of the financial year, worries of meeting deadlines take a back seat. With holidays on the anvil, you should plan for some exotic holiday package. The FM is considering extending some concessions in hotel and airline bookings to attract more patrons.

Taurus (April 20 - May 20) - exercise care and caution in whatever you do. Do not be like a bull in a china shop. Frustration should not make an animal out of you. Vent your feelings on the stock market. The FM assures that the BSE will hover around 6500 throughout the year.

Gemini (May 21 - June 20) - it is all about believing in pairs. Sometimes you buy one and get one free - like the promotional ads. Sometimes they come in pairs - like shoes, socks. It is summer and with reduced availability of electricity, using the pair of hands by rotation to fan yourself becomes important. Like using your pair of legs to climb instead of using the elevator - because there is no electricity. They have been diverted to the fields to boost agricultural production so that we can allow the excess to rot in our cold storages. The FM is thinking of making provisions to extend suitable rebates to counter these hardships when a citizen is denied power supply.

Cancer (June 21 - July 22) - the word itself spells miseries. How one contacts this disease remains shrouded in mystery. It strikes suddenly and does not give you time to come to grips with the situation. The medics say that your days are numbered, as if you did not know. Apart from this, the period is devoted to the monsoons. Hence, water borne diseases enter the scene apart from cold, cough and all such related diseases. Those in the medical profession have a field day. The FM proposes to levy 1% surcharge on the taxes paid by the medics.

Leo (July 23 - August 22) - it is the time of Independence. Lions that once used to roar, today meow. March past and salutes despite the rains are what these celebrations are all about. Unfurling the tricolor, singing the national anthem are all mandatory activities. And, of course, films like Manoj Kumar's `Upkar' and Raj Kumar's `Tiranga' are a must in the afternoon slot of the TV. The FM proposes incentives for more of such films.

Virgo (August 23 - Sept 22) - chastity belts have gone out of fashion. It is for individuals to take necessary precautions. With the monsoons receding, floods are likely to be reported from some parts of the country. Keep a lot of loose changes with you to drop into those slots at road corners collecting donations for the flood affected. Also, keep old clothes bundled up for offloading to these unfortunate persons. The FM may increase the rebate amount for donations to such causes.

Libra (Sept 23 - October 22) - the festival season is upon us. Be careful how you plan to move around. Always be on the alert for characters with photo enabled mobiles. You never know where you may be thrown up! The FM plans to tax such phones at double the rate of ordinary mobiles. He knows that such taxation will not deter the users but, no harm in trying is his motto.

Scorpio (Oct 23 - Nov 21) - like the song Mohammed Ali - `fly like a butterfly...he stings like a bee!' Yes, the sting is very much there but the effect is lost. There have been quite a number of Scorpions who have made it big all over the World. May their tribe increase.

Sagittarius (Nov 22 - Dec 21) - with the approach of winter, check the cupboard to find out how many moth eaten sweaters are there. The severity of winter is gradually vanishing from the plains. People blame it all on the concretisation of villages, on the depletion of the green cover. To rectify such after effects, our FM is thinking of giving incentive to those who are able to plant and maintain at least five trees in his neighborhood for a period of five years.

Capricorn (Dec 22 - Jan 19) - with probably the last of the festivals of the year viz. Christmas and New Year, winter vacations of the children and lapsable leaves of the employed, this is the best time to travel. The FM intends to popularize flying. Having invited foreign airlines, he has to ensure that they also get customers. So, some fantastic tax saving offers is being worked out by his Ministry.

Aquarius (Jan 20 - Feb 17) - do not be afraid of water. We are sending Mars probes to locate the existence of water in other planets. What is available on our planet is gradually getting contaminated and unpotable. Further results of industrialization. Projects of cleaning up the major rivers are resulting in the cleaning up of all our finances. Obviously, our FM is worried. Relying on bottled water is one option. Getting pure water from salt water is another option. The FM is seriously contemplating whether to grant tax holiday to those who can guarantee a continuous supply of pure water for at least five years. Why five? Well, that is the normal tenure of all MPs.

Pisces (Feb 18 - Mar 19) - when disasters like the tsunami strikes it affects the availability of fish. You become like a fish out of water. Be careful of what type of fish comes to the markets. Go only for the fresh river fish. Try to avoid stuff that is laid out from the ice containers. If possible, go for the tinned varieties from other countries. They are available in plenty and are more hygienic. The FM is thinking of weaning people away from such foods by granting incentives to support the cause of milk and milk products. They are equally nourishing and wholesome.

the end of the world
A couple of days back there was a very informative article on the fast approaching end of the World. Whenever there is a calamity, people put their heads together. While one group conducts a post mortem on why it happened, another group leaves no stone unturned to evolve corrective measures. The theoreticians make public their `personal' opinions over the small screens - the Governments conduct enquiries and constitute committees and boards to study all the pros and cons and come up with some solutions. Time frames are also defined.

But - tsunami caught everyone unawares.

We are now contemplating procuring advance warning systems to predict such disasters. We love to bolt the stables after the horses have fled. The tsunami may strike after another century. By then, our acquisition would have been outdated!

As per the news report - the Earth could have wobbled by an inch on its axis due to tsunami. The World Meteorological Organization has declared 2004 to have been the fourth hottest year in history. Dubai experienced snow (in the Al-jees mountain range in December 2004), grass sprouted in the Antarctica (showing that the ice continent is warming) and a really large swarm of locusts (more than thirty miles long) invaded Australia. A report also indicates that polar bears, whales and seals are changing their feeding and migration habits due to melting ice caps. Polar bears are predicted to be extinct by the end of this century.

There are differing views on these incidents by experts in their respective fields.

But the fact remains that we cannot take our existence for granted.

When we remember the lost civilizations of Mohenjo-daro and the Incas, we should pause to think - what if a super tsunami engulfs the whole World, leaving no one alive? Can any of the satellites in space give the necessary advance warning? Suppose it does give - what next? Where do we hide?

Let us all spare a thought for these eventualities.
Nothing may happen in the next year or in the next ten years or even the next hundred years - but, when it does happen .......

what if
There was a book I read quite sometime back entitled - `Stories that they would never let me do on TV.' It was a compilation of crime and horror stories that were really chilling, to say the least - compiled by who else but the master of suspense Alfred Hitchcock.

On similar lines, I have sketched a few scenes that I would love to see - these are to be taken purely in the spirit in which they have been written. No offence is meant to any of the personalities. `MAD' magazine would have gone wild on such matters .....

Lal Krishnaji with a cheroot in his lips
Ram Vilas promoting only shaving creams.
Sushama-tai modeling for black hair dye
Long Playing Lalooji in a checkered bow tie
Uma Bharati as a Tun-Tun in films
Mamata in Harrods with her latest paintings
Fida Hussain saab in shiny Adidas.
Govinda Acharya selling rosogollas.
Jyoti Basu in the role of an umpire
Chidam Baram talking only on tires
Jaya Amma clad in a shiny space suit.
Shibu Soren like Pied Piper on a flute
Kalamji walking with short measured steps
The Big-B with Veeru's wonder biceps
Atal Behari preparing to run the marathon
Sourav Ganguli in place of Solomon
Shah Rukh Khan as an avatar of Bond
Aishwariya Rai minus all her diamonds
`Harsha-ki-khoj' ending with Pramod
Somnath and Jaitley rewriting all codes
Ravishing Raveena as Scarlet O'Hara
Number One Govinda as Shewag-ka-runner
The list can go on and we can really relax
Shekhar's Poll-khol has not yet been axed!

some more magical mantras
When I started this series of blogs, I was skeptical as to how bloggers would take them. My fears appear to have been baseless - these have attracted quite some attention. In a world overflowing with grief and sorrow, we need to search for some form of light - try to view Life in a lighter vein, from a different perspective. This is a tiny attempt in that direction.

Spare the rod and spoil the child - the days when children used to look up to elders as role models do not exist any more. Wielding `rods' to make errant children fall in line is absolutely taboo since such cases are viewed very seriously by reps of Human Rights Commission. Result - you have to keep your fingers crossed, hope for the best and be prepared for the worst.

Time and tide wait for no man - the hypothetical Time Machine could take you back in time. We have had number Hollywood movies on the subject - from the Space age, you can be transported to the Stone Age at the flick of a switch. Looking at the deteriorating qualities of various Public services, we complain that they are taking us back in time. On the other hand, we shoot videos at will on camera enabled mobiles and transmit them all over the countryside just to prove that we are moving with the times. As to tides, if our efforts to interlink all the major rivers do succeed, we could consider controlling the tides also.

To err is human, to forgive divine - yes, true even today. We have seen second rung leaders shouting off their mouths in Public just to bolster their images and improve their TRPs. Subsequently, they start whimpering for forgiveness. The best part of such incidents is that they are forgiven - in the interests of the Party. In Politics, you can commit murder and get away with it

Take care of the pennies; pounds will take care of themselves - pennies today have been regaled to the level of `installments'. Whatever is on offer is yours if you agree to repay the installments. Your financial loss is the financier's gain. He is investing his pounds; you take care of his pennies.

The pen is mightier than the sword - journalism is not what it should be. The media, in whatever form, is controlled by people who have different reasons for promoting certain individuals or conglomerates. All those who work with him have to toe the line that he draws up. Since you are pocketing his cheques on the first of every month, obviously you cannot revolt. Exceptions, as depicted on the screen, result in bloodshed and deaths. Your pen is in his control. The sword rules the day, the pen is just a showpiece.

There cannot be smoke without fire - science has given us the ability to generate smoke without fire. The `tear gas shells' used by the Police to disperse crowds is an example. The `smoke screens' regularly employed on the screens to camouflage film celebrities while they change dresses for the song and dance sequences is another example.

other interesting links:
destination india
indian satire
sweets of india
festivals of india

more magical mantras
Dear visitors to the site - one more set of eight magical mantras for you to digest. It started with a set of nine. Next day there was the set of ten. Today, it is a set of eight. Hope you like them.....

He laughs best who laughs last - laughter is considered to be an expression of happiness. Situations where one can laugh his heart out are fast vanishing. Laughing clubs are coming up to remind us that laughter is the best medicine. Today, we have laughter forced upon us as comic interludes to break the monotony of song and dance sequences that transform our world into worlds of fantasy where everything fits into place in the last scene! How unreal!! Oh for the days of Laurel and Hardy, Mehmood and Kishore Kumar.

Look before you leap - especially in the night when walking down to your house from the bus stop or the market. All the roads, lanes and by lanes in any city resemble craters on the Moon. Potholes abound - mischievous ones suggest that these are intentional creations of nearby slum dwellers. To rid you of your belongings. If you miss your step, they will shift you to the hospital.

Make hay while the Sun shines - as someone mentioned, the Sun can be made to shine at our will. We have invented incubators - to control the production of poultry chickens. We also have scientific methods within our grasp of generating artificial `sunlight' that can convert grass into hay. So hay need not wait for the Sun to shine.

Man proposes God disposes - you plan a journey and numerous hurdles appear. The train may be delayed indefinitely or be cancelled. The flight may not take off due to fog. If it does take off, it may not land at your destination - again due to bad weather. You feel these are what God had ordained. You are grossly mistaken. These are results of our ineptness.

Nothing succeeds like success - the path to success is lined with currency notes and favors. To get something, you have to part with something. These are today's watch words. Hence, success has strings attached. Tiny, invisible strings to those not in the know.

People living in glass houses should not throw stones - unfortunately, those living in glass houses do not know that they are living in glass houses. We love to lay the blame at others' feet. We do not realize that when we point a finger at somebody, the four remaining fingers point back at us.

Rome was not built in a day - this is common knowledge. But, when plans are drawn up for constructing a bridge or a flyover or a railway line or some such item, Politicians move in and decide when the project must be completed so that so-and-so dignitary can be invited to inaugurate it. So that the TV crews can zero in on the occasion to extend the necessary coverage which is so essential for the Politician's survival.

Slow and steady wins the race - tortoises have learnt the tricks of the trade. They have mastered the art of taking life head on in the fast track. Today we do not use multiplication tables or slide rules - we punch out the answers in the calculators. We do not write letters - we send SMS. Remember the kid William (created by Richmal Crompton). He had his own typical methods of spelling - spell the word just as it is pronounced. We have come to that state. So, `love' today is `luv'.

other interesting links:
destination india
indian satire
sweets of india
festivals of india

modern magical mantras
In continuation of yesterday's blog (entitled `the basics remain') where nine proverbs were highlighted, in today's presentation, ten more are examined. We are trying to discover how relevant these age-old proverbs are today. So here goes ...

Barking dogs seldom bite - we regularly witness any number of Politicians shouting off their mouths to impress those watching their shows. They know that they are putting on a show for the benefit of the show masters. We also know that it's all a drama - they do not mean what they say. But, we grin and bear it: the show goes on.

Birds of a feather flock together - yes, initially they do - but only till such time that they find their firm footings. Then it all becomes a fight for the survival of the fittest with no holds barred. The cream of the youth flock to coaching classes with the objective of securing one of the first hundred slots. The annual JEEs for admission to prestigious Institutions are the best example.

Charity begins at home - first of all keep your wife happy, she has to cook your meals and keep your bed warm. Then keep your kids happy otherwise they will not allow you to enjoy your news spots. Then keep the bartan majnewalee happy otherwise she may suddenly vanish - leaving your wife mad as a hatter.

Cowards die many times before their death, the valiant dies only but once - life today is tough no doubt. Each one of us must have faced some situation or another when we have wished that we were safely ensconced somewhere in a place called heaven (or hell!) to observe how the world goes on less yourself! For someone of us, these happen several times over.

Do unto others as you would have them do unto you - follow this literally. If invited to a party, dispense with gifts. Give bouquets of flowers and Archie's cards. Gifts have gone out of fashion because, usually, everyone gives the same or similar items - cheap products wrapped in attractive wrappings containing very little of use.

Do not count your chickens until they are hatched - especially true for those who love to purchase lottery tickets or participate in online lotteries that are reportedly doing roaring business. Do not start building castles in the air because they will most certainly crash all around you like a pack of cards. Becoming crorepatis is not a simple affair - it forced KBC out of business.

Every cloud has a silver lining - a stock phrase to soothe ruffled feathers. When faced with a problem that has no easy solution, it is customary to console the aggrieved by suggesting that he approach the actual Gods rather than the lesser Gods.

Exception proves the rule - some people thrive on exceptions. To them, any thing out of the ordinary is not bound by any rule. When you board a train, it is expected that you will reach your destination in one piece. If not on schedule then probably several hours later. But - when you arrive at your destination in several pieces packed in a crate - the authorities say `this should not have happened. This is an exception.'

Give him an inch and he will take a yard - we see this happening regularly. In a bus, when you see an elderly person standing and offer him a seat by squeezing yourself, he reciprocates by going off to sleep by putting his head on your shoulder. Similarly is the case in reserved compartments of long distance trains. You try to be nice to some short distance traveler and wish that you had not succumbed to the `feel good' factor! Good feelings do not grow on trees.

Honesty is the best policy - therefore support only honest corruption. Do not be misled by so called well wishers who try to win your confidence by saying that `aap ka chinta hamare upar chhor dijiye, hum sab kuch dekh lenge!' He is bound to ditch you.

other interesting links:
destination india
indian satire
sweets of india
festivals of india

the basics remain
We have been brought up on proverbs. Tiny bits of wisdom carried forward from time immemorial that one keeps adding to his super computer so that he can draw on them for inspiration when the time to do so comes. Many may think that proverbs are irrelevant today but, the basics remain. The interpretations may have changed ....

A stitch in time saves nine - take your pants to the neighborhood tailor to do minor repairs since having new ones is gradually going out of our reach. Or - go for Bermudas. They are quite fashionable. As a last resort, wrap a lungi around your waist when in the house. Keep the pants exclusively for the office use and for use on special occasions.

As you sow so you reap - you may not always get the desired benefit. The crops may wither due to delayed monsoons or may perish due to flash floods or may be burnt down by people who do not like your face cut or your hair style.

All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy - players today are adopted from their cradle. They are supposed to play and do nothing else. None of them become dull. All play and no work makes them crorepatis ten times over.

A burnt child dreads the fire - he learns how to tame fires quite early in life, so fire does not hold surprises for him. In some parts of our country, they grow up with firearms and bombs.
Firecracker manufacturers find their profit lines soaring when they entice child labor into their webs.

An apple a day keeps the Doctor away - yes, this can certainly happen but, if all of us started following this practice, the medical profession would go on the blink. Also, the apples of Kashmir cannot be preserved for months on end unlike apples of Australia. So monopolizing apples may prove harmful or our local markets.

A friend in need is a friend indeed - the days of real friends a-la Dosti and Sholay style are still very much there if Bollywood is to be believed. All our heroes and heroines sacrifice their loves at the drop of a hat. Opportunities of sad songs interspersed with show-it-all types of songs in flashback. Our men have all the answers.

All that glitters is not gold - the metal that glitters today is actually platinum. Gold seems to have lost much of its shine and charms - that is probably one of the reasons why ads for biscuits tempt you today with offers of winning gold coins.

A bird in hand is worth two in the bush - for some professions job opportunities are there for their asking. Yes - the software experts. Theirs is a high profile and one of the best paying professions. Job jumping is but second nature to them. They always have more than one bird in hand and are able to keep their employers on tenterhooks.

Better late than never - considering the break down of the transportation systems in cities, it is a wonder that employees are able, at all, to report for duties. Late coming has become the rule rather than the exception. If it is not the bus then it is the late running of local trains or the traffic jams or the sudden passing through of some political dignitary.

These are just a few proverbs that come to mind. There are many more that are equally valid even today as they were in the days of our earlier generations. Some of these transcend the barriers of language and equivalents are popular in regional languages. I plan to continue this series for some time.

other interesting links:
destination india
indian satire
sweets of india
festivals of india